Tonight I'm sitting down in the quiet of the house and have been left to these once happy filled thoughts running through my head. This time instead of happiness I just feel empty. I am hurt, angry, confused, curioius, but most of all I am broken-hearted. My mind is screaming at me to please make sense of all of this and to please make this hurt and dissolve it back to the happiness, hopefulness, loving, caring, wonderfulness I used to know. It is not going to happen now and that is all I can tell myself.
It is over and all I am able to do is keep going even when my heart says just quit. My heart is hurting and it has no idea how to mend yet. My heart cries out to Jesus to please heal my broken heart and to create it into beauty once again, just like the Barlow Girl song.
Jesus won't fix it the way I want him to and I know I get frustrated with him because I'm hurting so bad and I want it to be the way it used to be. He has other plans for me. He wants me to get stronger from this pain I'm in. He's not enjoying seeing me hurting, but he's helping me the way he wants me to learn from this pain. Christ suffered far worse than I so what am I doing sitting here thinking these thoughts of sorrow. I decided to count some blessings in my life and quit being sad even if only for a night.
My 2 year old pride and joy. His smile melts my bitterness away. He makes me feel amazing because his innocence shines through in such a way that all the heartbreak dissolves and he healed my heart. He's my lifelong best friend and he makes me stronger.
My family. They support me through this rough time. I can save money by living at home and I can work and go to school and have help with my son so that I may be able to work and take care of him and get my degree. I'd be nothing without my parents.
I continue working and I'm grateful for that. I get 43 hours a week every week. I have a fulltime job and some people don't get to have one. I get to provide for my son and myself and be able to save money.
My friends. If I didn't have them to talk to and lift me up, I'd be a bigger wreck than ever. I have bad days sure, but I'm so thankful for the ones who will never let me be weak enough to give up.
My biggest frustration now is all my friends are getting married this summer, and while I was supposed to be next summer, it just ain't happening and I try so hard to be happy for them, but my heart screams at them to stop talking about it for awhile so my heart can heal. My wedding dress sits in the basement, hoping to one day be worn, by a man w ho will love me and my son and not leave us during the trials and tribulatioins of this life we were given.
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