We live we love we forgive and never give up.

Truth is,



I'm sad, I'm hurting, I feel so alone. God, he chose her. His family likes her. I feel so forgotten. I need to run to you and I know you'll catch me as I'm falling, but I can't help but feel apprehensive. Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't we good enough? What happened to make 4 years just disappear out the window like dust in the wind? I watched a video yesterday of Tyler as his dad helped him climb the stairs and last year I would have been there all summer long. This year... I'm sitting at home, heart empty, heart hurting, heart questioning, heart broken, but then you remind me that you work for the good, and that is something I'm going to have to cling to in this time of utter despair. Please God, my heart is crying out to you, please just hold me up, I know you make us go through bad times to get to those of good times, I will go through as much bad as you know I can handle, and I will trust you won't be away from me, even though right now, I feel like I'm all alone, grasping for some kind of leg up.

Jesus,

Thank you for this day of life, for a brand new day filled with opportunities to praise you. Thank you for dying for us so we may witness to all those who are without you now.

Father,

Please heal Jess's broken heart. I know she's struggling, and sometimes it's hard to trust that you are with us even in the valley of the shadow of death, but please give her strength and the courage to keep trusting you. You know her spirit, and you know she is struggling, but just let her know you're by her side in this time of pain. Lift her up and help her lean on you more and more through these dark times that just seem endless. Use her in only the ways you have written for her in your book of life. Help her to remember to live, love, forgive, and never give up.

Amen.

Decision....

I am going to attempt to make myself busier and hope that all this empty thinking will get under control..
I decided to go to a real campus and attempt to get in to nursing school. it'll be an adventure for sure, but in the end it'll be worth it. (:

Can't Get Away, Can't Get Away, I can't Get away, Can't Get Away.

Hello.

Everytime I hear your name, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Similar to missing you. Then I force myself to come back to reality that missing you just hurts me. I can't do that to myself. I don't deserve that.

Everytime I have to talk to your mother that feeling returns. The longing and wishing that you wanted us back, and you were sorry for breaking us. I can't tell you how many times this occurs.

I was reading Romans 12, and in that book it talks about Personal Responsibility. Something that I often think of when I think of you and how much you didn't give us your personal responsibility. Further down in verse 14 it states, " Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then verse 16 a, goes on to say "Do not be proud, but be willin to associate with those of low position."

Basically, the whole book is reminding me, that even though I'm hurt, I still do love you. I will still be here for you. You may not realize it, but I loved you unconditionally, and always will. You did, afterall, give me a true blessing. However, I am not tryin to repay you for what you did to me, or our son. I pray for you and pray that you get more involved in our sons life. He deserves that from you.

I can't get away from the feelings, they'll always be there. They might be weaker one day, but they will always be there. When I'm married and have a family, those feelings will be very weak, but we always will share one bond, and that is the gorgeous, wonderful, little boy , we share together.

God... you are the wonderful creator.

Well,

God has once again showed himself in my life when I felt like he wasn't there. All I need to say is.... Thank you so much Lord, you gave me a spark and the thing I needed to move on from this terrible thing in my life. You picked me up. Please thank them for me Lord.

Letter you'll never read.

Hello,

We haven't spoken to each other in about a month. You told me we'd be friends for him. You told me that you weren't going to rule out the future. You've moved on quicker than I ever thought you would, but it doesn't matter what I feel like. Did you know that I'm still hurting? I'm still grieving? Do you know the feeling of absolute emptiness I feel? Do you know that my heart hurts everyday and sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping that I cry? Tears that just cannot be explained. I believed you when you told me that we would make it through having a child before we were ready. I believed you when you asked me to be your wife someday and you'd never leave me. I even believed you when you said we'd work through our issue about where to live.... and guess what???? I was the stupid one.

You are living your own life now, and there's another girl catching your attention. I will get over that someday, God-willing, I will. That doesn't hurt as bad as I thought. I still miss you and sometimes when I see you online I wish I was the one you were talking to instead of her. I see my wedding dress downstairs and my heart breaks even harder, but it gets better each and everyday. No, the part that breaks my heart worse than anything I can even imagine... is the fact that the angel we were blessed with as a couple who had plans of togetherness.... now asks me questions I cannot answer sometimes. I hear from your family and they ask me how he's doing.... but not you. You are busy with your life and being carefree... here I am... with our child. I'm the one who has to answer the questions. I have to now explain why when mommy's on the computer, he cannot see his daddy on video. I get the tough stuff, and you???? You get to live life as if there was nothing going wrong. You get the convenience of being young with no responsibility other than yourself? Me? I love being a mother.

I am blessed everyday I get with him. He makes me complete. He's the thing holding me up while I just want to crumble. He hugs me and it makes all the hurt and sadness seem just a bit bearable. I just wanted to know..... are you going to come back to our lives? For him? Will you become unselfish and less care-free? Will you put him before yourself and come around for him? Not me, because I am okay without you. For him... because he needs that from you. He deserves that from you. He needs you to ask how he is and be there for him.

I pray that in writin this, you understand just how much of a presence is lacking in your life and his. He doesn't understand. It isn't fair to him that he's left without a father figure.

God, please please please continue to encourage me and lift me up. I need you Lord. Help me have the words to say to my son when I am asked the tough questions. Help me have peace and guide me through the storms, holding my hand, and letting me stand my ground even when things go crazy.. Amen.

-c

Heart still beating....

I find it so so astounding how a man, who claimed to love a woman and his child, can walk out of their lives. Content, not only with the carefree lifestyle they were living, but to move on and take someone else's child instead of their own....

My heart cries out to the boy who asks why he can't see daddy much. Pointing at his picture saying that's my family... but one day to be told that union is now broken and not at all whole anymore.

Thanks to two amazing friends... I have hope and reading the Psalms,(as suggested to me by James) I feel the power to learn from this and move on. Jess... she's such a wonderful person, inside and out. She is dealin with her own struggles of loss. At a much deeper level than mine, but she still listens and encourages even when I know it has to be hard sometimes.

I'm grateful for these 2 individuals who continue to be my inspiration to lean moreon God in this time of unimaginable pain I never thought I'd ever have to deal with.