Letter you'll never read.

Hello,

We haven't spoken to each other in about a month. You told me we'd be friends for him. You told me that you weren't going to rule out the future. You've moved on quicker than I ever thought you would, but it doesn't matter what I feel like. Did you know that I'm still hurting? I'm still grieving? Do you know the feeling of absolute emptiness I feel? Do you know that my heart hurts everyday and sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping that I cry? Tears that just cannot be explained. I believed you when you told me that we would make it through having a child before we were ready. I believed you when you asked me to be your wife someday and you'd never leave me. I even believed you when you said we'd work through our issue about where to live.... and guess what???? I was the stupid one.

You are living your own life now, and there's another girl catching your attention. I will get over that someday, God-willing, I will. That doesn't hurt as bad as I thought. I still miss you and sometimes when I see you online I wish I was the one you were talking to instead of her. I see my wedding dress downstairs and my heart breaks even harder, but it gets better each and everyday. No, the part that breaks my heart worse than anything I can even imagine... is the fact that the angel we were blessed with as a couple who had plans of togetherness.... now asks me questions I cannot answer sometimes. I hear from your family and they ask me how he's doing.... but not you. You are busy with your life and being carefree... here I am... with our child. I'm the one who has to answer the questions. I have to now explain why when mommy's on the computer, he cannot see his daddy on video. I get the tough stuff, and you???? You get to live life as if there was nothing going wrong. You get the convenience of being young with no responsibility other than yourself? Me? I love being a mother.

I am blessed everyday I get with him. He makes me complete. He's the thing holding me up while I just want to crumble. He hugs me and it makes all the hurt and sadness seem just a bit bearable. I just wanted to know..... are you going to come back to our lives? For him? Will you become unselfish and less care-free? Will you put him before yourself and come around for him? Not me, because I am okay without you. For him... because he needs that from you. He deserves that from you. He needs you to ask how he is and be there for him.

I pray that in writin this, you understand just how much of a presence is lacking in your life and his. He doesn't understand. It isn't fair to him that he's left without a father figure.

God, please please please continue to encourage me and lift me up. I need you Lord. Help me have the words to say to my son when I am asked the tough questions. Help me have peace and guide me through the storms, holding my hand, and letting me stand my ground even when things go crazy.. Amen.

-c