I feel like sometimes just praying isn't enough. I want to be a help in these young people's lives as they continue to struggle with the heartbreaking reality they have been rushed into. I know prayer is a huge part, but I'd like to do more.
I want to be there to help and even though I have not two notions what it's like to lose a child, I know the feeling of loss, and it's so hard. I am thinking about starting a group where these families can go and relate to other families, and even people who want more education on loss is like. Where they can help others heal, and cry with those who have been there on this rough road they are on.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Where can I help out?
I've thought alot lately about all my friends who have had a rough road trying to conceive. It breaks my heart to think that they have been so devastated over the loss. I can't say I even understand it, but still it is a difficult process to mull over in the midst of this life.
God has a plan for their lives I know he does, but sometimes it's so easy to lose faith because it feels as though the whole world is crashing and nobody understands why it is happening to them.My biggest prayer for all of my friends is that they cling closer to God amist the journey of losing their precious gifts. God is trying to show them his wonderful plan,but it can get clouded by depression, sadness, grief, anger.
Delve into his word friends. He's here for the hurts, the worries, the confusion. His heart breaks for you when you're hurtin so bad that you're at a loss for words. He wants you to lean on him because he will be there to pick up the pieces.
Lord, show them your will for their lives despite these desperate times. As close as it is to the holidays please give them peace and heal them the best they can be healed from this. Help them to cry out to you Lord, Cry out to Jesus, you'll be there to catch them when they are failing. I pray that Jess and James really cling on to you because they really need to feel your love Lord. They're so strong in so many ways, but it isn't easy for them to understand why they have to go through this turbulent journey at such a young age in life. They are dear friends of mine and dearly loved children of yours. Heal them and speak to them, show them what is next in their journey.
I pray for the Burris family. They lost their first little girl at 20 weeks and were so devestated, Bring them healing and continue to help them hold on to the hope they need to get through this. Keep them and bless them and help them continue sharing their story of losing a child.
I also lift lauren and chris up to you Lord. She's so nervous that this will end in miscarriageand you can see her heart. Just help her feel you near her and help her not to lose sight of who the author and creator of life is.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. This verse really is encouraging and I pray that you can show them what the next steps are for their lives Lord.
Amen,
God has a plan for their lives I know he does, but sometimes it's so easy to lose faith because it feels as though the whole world is crashing and nobody understands why it is happening to them.My biggest prayer for all of my friends is that they cling closer to God amist the journey of losing their precious gifts. God is trying to show them his wonderful plan,but it can get clouded by depression, sadness, grief, anger.
Delve into his word friends. He's here for the hurts, the worries, the confusion. His heart breaks for you when you're hurtin so bad that you're at a loss for words. He wants you to lean on him because he will be there to pick up the pieces.
Lord, show them your will for their lives despite these desperate times. As close as it is to the holidays please give them peace and heal them the best they can be healed from this. Help them to cry out to you Lord, Cry out to Jesus, you'll be there to catch them when they are failing. I pray that Jess and James really cling on to you because they really need to feel your love Lord. They're so strong in so many ways, but it isn't easy for them to understand why they have to go through this turbulent journey at such a young age in life. They are dear friends of mine and dearly loved children of yours. Heal them and speak to them, show them what is next in their journey.
I pray for the Burris family. They lost their first little girl at 20 weeks and were so devestated, Bring them healing and continue to help them hold on to the hope they need to get through this. Keep them and bless them and help them continue sharing their story of losing a child.
I also lift lauren and chris up to you Lord. She's so nervous that this will end in miscarriageand you can see her heart. Just help her feel you near her and help her not to lose sight of who the author and creator of life is.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. This verse really is encouraging and I pray that you can show them what the next steps are for their lives Lord.
Amen,
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Realizations
it's strange to feel t his in love with someone after all he hard times of the last relationship. I have huge fears, but I guess keeping them to myself is the better choice at the moment. I feel lost in my own world and not sure what the next step is.....
Monday, September 12, 2011
Life...
No nursing school, new boyfriend, lots going on. Repost when I feel better about the situaiton!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Time for a new post I suppose
I was trying to get into nursing school but I haven't called yet so it's probably to late to even start pre reqs anyways.
My little boy has been staying up 2 hours after bedtime everynight for no apparent reason other than because he's 2 years old and thinks he's a royal comedian.
Well, I love him and I don't mind, but sometimes it gets exhausting walking him back to bed every 2 minutes for 2 hours. By the time I'm done I swear I've done a bigger workout than if I were to just sit down and do a simple workout routine.
I'm feeling pretty down because I still haven't heard from the dad figure. He has moved on in his life which is pretty fantastic I'd say. I am glad he's happy and doing well. I just wish happy included knowing how is young child is doing and what's new in his life! Ugh, I have to get this stuff done so he can have him for a month, because I know he would enjoy it.
Goodness, I really am not going to know what to do without my son for a month. I know I have to, but it doesn't make it any easier hearing about it at all.
My little boy has been staying up 2 hours after bedtime everynight for no apparent reason other than because he's 2 years old and thinks he's a royal comedian.
Well, I love him and I don't mind, but sometimes it gets exhausting walking him back to bed every 2 minutes for 2 hours. By the time I'm done I swear I've done a bigger workout than if I were to just sit down and do a simple workout routine.
I'm feeling pretty down because I still haven't heard from the dad figure. He has moved on in his life which is pretty fantastic I'd say. I am glad he's happy and doing well. I just wish happy included knowing how is young child is doing and what's new in his life! Ugh, I have to get this stuff done so he can have him for a month, because I know he would enjoy it.
Goodness, I really am not going to know what to do without my son for a month. I know I have to, but it doesn't make it any easier hearing about it at all.
Friday, July 29, 2011
We live we love we forgive and never give up.
Truth is,
I'm sad, I'm hurting, I feel so alone. God, he chose her. His family likes her. I feel so forgotten. I need to run to you and I know you'll catch me as I'm falling, but I can't help but feel apprehensive. Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't we good enough? What happened to make 4 years just disappear out the window like dust in the wind? I watched a video yesterday of Tyler as his dad helped him climb the stairs and last year I would have been there all summer long. This year... I'm sitting at home, heart empty, heart hurting, heart questioning, heart broken, but then you remind me that you work for the good, and that is something I'm going to have to cling to in this time of utter despair. Please God, my heart is crying out to you, please just hold me up, I know you make us go through bad times to get to those of good times, I will go through as much bad as you know I can handle, and I will trust you won't be away from me, even though right now, I feel like I'm all alone, grasping for some kind of leg up.
Jesus,
Thank you for this day of life, for a brand new day filled with opportunities to praise you. Thank you for dying for us so we may witness to all those who are without you now.
Father,
Please heal Jess's broken heart. I know she's struggling, and sometimes it's hard to trust that you are with us even in the valley of the shadow of death, but please give her strength and the courage to keep trusting you. You know her spirit, and you know she is struggling, but just let her know you're by her side in this time of pain. Lift her up and help her lean on you more and more through these dark times that just seem endless. Use her in only the ways you have written for her in your book of life. Help her to remember to live, love, forgive, and never give up.
Amen.
I'm sad, I'm hurting, I feel so alone. God, he chose her. His family likes her. I feel so forgotten. I need to run to you and I know you'll catch me as I'm falling, but I can't help but feel apprehensive. Why wasn't I good enough? Why weren't we good enough? What happened to make 4 years just disappear out the window like dust in the wind? I watched a video yesterday of Tyler as his dad helped him climb the stairs and last year I would have been there all summer long. This year... I'm sitting at home, heart empty, heart hurting, heart questioning, heart broken, but then you remind me that you work for the good, and that is something I'm going to have to cling to in this time of utter despair. Please God, my heart is crying out to you, please just hold me up, I know you make us go through bad times to get to those of good times, I will go through as much bad as you know I can handle, and I will trust you won't be away from me, even though right now, I feel like I'm all alone, grasping for some kind of leg up.
Jesus,
Thank you for this day of life, for a brand new day filled with opportunities to praise you. Thank you for dying for us so we may witness to all those who are without you now.
Father,
Please heal Jess's broken heart. I know she's struggling, and sometimes it's hard to trust that you are with us even in the valley of the shadow of death, but please give her strength and the courage to keep trusting you. You know her spirit, and you know she is struggling, but just let her know you're by her side in this time of pain. Lift her up and help her lean on you more and more through these dark times that just seem endless. Use her in only the ways you have written for her in your book of life. Help her to remember to live, love, forgive, and never give up.
Amen.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Decision....
I am going to attempt to make myself busier and hope that all this empty thinking will get under control..
I decided to go to a real campus and attempt to get in to nursing school. it'll be an adventure for sure, but in the end it'll be worth it. (:
I decided to go to a real campus and attempt to get in to nursing school. it'll be an adventure for sure, but in the end it'll be worth it. (:
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Can't Get Away, Can't Get Away, I can't Get away, Can't Get Away.
Hello.
Everytime I hear your name, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Similar to missing you. Then I force myself to come back to reality that missing you just hurts me. I can't do that to myself. I don't deserve that.
Everytime I have to talk to your mother that feeling returns. The longing and wishing that you wanted us back, and you were sorry for breaking us. I can't tell you how many times this occurs.
I was reading Romans 12, and in that book it talks about Personal Responsibility. Something that I often think of when I think of you and how much you didn't give us your personal responsibility. Further down in verse 14 it states, " Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then verse 16 a, goes on to say "Do not be proud, but be willin to associate with those of low position."
Basically, the whole book is reminding me, that even though I'm hurt, I still do love you. I will still be here for you. You may not realize it, but I loved you unconditionally, and always will. You did, afterall, give me a true blessing. However, I am not tryin to repay you for what you did to me, or our son. I pray for you and pray that you get more involved in our sons life. He deserves that from you.
I can't get away from the feelings, they'll always be there. They might be weaker one day, but they will always be there. When I'm married and have a family, those feelings will be very weak, but we always will share one bond, and that is the gorgeous, wonderful, little boy , we share together.
Everytime I hear your name, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Similar to missing you. Then I force myself to come back to reality that missing you just hurts me. I can't do that to myself. I don't deserve that.
Everytime I have to talk to your mother that feeling returns. The longing and wishing that you wanted us back, and you were sorry for breaking us. I can't tell you how many times this occurs.
I was reading Romans 12, and in that book it talks about Personal Responsibility. Something that I often think of when I think of you and how much you didn't give us your personal responsibility. Further down in verse 14 it states, " Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Then verse 16 a, goes on to say "Do not be proud, but be willin to associate with those of low position."
Basically, the whole book is reminding me, that even though I'm hurt, I still do love you. I will still be here for you. You may not realize it, but I loved you unconditionally, and always will. You did, afterall, give me a true blessing. However, I am not tryin to repay you for what you did to me, or our son. I pray for you and pray that you get more involved in our sons life. He deserves that from you.
I can't get away from the feelings, they'll always be there. They might be weaker one day, but they will always be there. When I'm married and have a family, those feelings will be very weak, but we always will share one bond, and that is the gorgeous, wonderful, little boy , we share together.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
God... you are the wonderful creator.
Well,
God has once again showed himself in my life when I felt like he wasn't there. All I need to say is.... Thank you so much Lord, you gave me a spark and the thing I needed to move on from this terrible thing in my life. You picked me up. Please thank them for me Lord.
God has once again showed himself in my life when I felt like he wasn't there. All I need to say is.... Thank you so much Lord, you gave me a spark and the thing I needed to move on from this terrible thing in my life. You picked me up. Please thank them for me Lord.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Letter you'll never read.
Hello,
We haven't spoken to each other in about a month. You told me we'd be friends for him. You told me that you weren't going to rule out the future. You've moved on quicker than I ever thought you would, but it doesn't matter what I feel like. Did you know that I'm still hurting? I'm still grieving? Do you know the feeling of absolute emptiness I feel? Do you know that my heart hurts everyday and sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping that I cry? Tears that just cannot be explained. I believed you when you told me that we would make it through having a child before we were ready. I believed you when you asked me to be your wife someday and you'd never leave me. I even believed you when you said we'd work through our issue about where to live.... and guess what???? I was the stupid one.
You are living your own life now, and there's another girl catching your attention. I will get over that someday, God-willing, I will. That doesn't hurt as bad as I thought. I still miss you and sometimes when I see you online I wish I was the one you were talking to instead of her. I see my wedding dress downstairs and my heart breaks even harder, but it gets better each and everyday. No, the part that breaks my heart worse than anything I can even imagine... is the fact that the angel we were blessed with as a couple who had plans of togetherness.... now asks me questions I cannot answer sometimes. I hear from your family and they ask me how he's doing.... but not you. You are busy with your life and being carefree... here I am... with our child. I'm the one who has to answer the questions. I have to now explain why when mommy's on the computer, he cannot see his daddy on video. I get the tough stuff, and you???? You get to live life as if there was nothing going wrong. You get the convenience of being young with no responsibility other than yourself? Me? I love being a mother.
I am blessed everyday I get with him. He makes me complete. He's the thing holding me up while I just want to crumble. He hugs me and it makes all the hurt and sadness seem just a bit bearable. I just wanted to know..... are you going to come back to our lives? For him? Will you become unselfish and less care-free? Will you put him before yourself and come around for him? Not me, because I am okay without you. For him... because he needs that from you. He deserves that from you. He needs you to ask how he is and be there for him.
I pray that in writin this, you understand just how much of a presence is lacking in your life and his. He doesn't understand. It isn't fair to him that he's left without a father figure.
God, please please please continue to encourage me and lift me up. I need you Lord. Help me have the words to say to my son when I am asked the tough questions. Help me have peace and guide me through the storms, holding my hand, and letting me stand my ground even when things go crazy.. Amen.
-c
We haven't spoken to each other in about a month. You told me we'd be friends for him. You told me that you weren't going to rule out the future. You've moved on quicker than I ever thought you would, but it doesn't matter what I feel like. Did you know that I'm still hurting? I'm still grieving? Do you know the feeling of absolute emptiness I feel? Do you know that my heart hurts everyday and sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping that I cry? Tears that just cannot be explained. I believed you when you told me that we would make it through having a child before we were ready. I believed you when you asked me to be your wife someday and you'd never leave me. I even believed you when you said we'd work through our issue about where to live.... and guess what???? I was the stupid one.
You are living your own life now, and there's another girl catching your attention. I will get over that someday, God-willing, I will. That doesn't hurt as bad as I thought. I still miss you and sometimes when I see you online I wish I was the one you were talking to instead of her. I see my wedding dress downstairs and my heart breaks even harder, but it gets better each and everyday. No, the part that breaks my heart worse than anything I can even imagine... is the fact that the angel we were blessed with as a couple who had plans of togetherness.... now asks me questions I cannot answer sometimes. I hear from your family and they ask me how he's doing.... but not you. You are busy with your life and being carefree... here I am... with our child. I'm the one who has to answer the questions. I have to now explain why when mommy's on the computer, he cannot see his daddy on video. I get the tough stuff, and you???? You get to live life as if there was nothing going wrong. You get the convenience of being young with no responsibility other than yourself? Me? I love being a mother.
I am blessed everyday I get with him. He makes me complete. He's the thing holding me up while I just want to crumble. He hugs me and it makes all the hurt and sadness seem just a bit bearable. I just wanted to know..... are you going to come back to our lives? For him? Will you become unselfish and less care-free? Will you put him before yourself and come around for him? Not me, because I am okay without you. For him... because he needs that from you. He deserves that from you. He needs you to ask how he is and be there for him.
I pray that in writin this, you understand just how much of a presence is lacking in your life and his. He doesn't understand. It isn't fair to him that he's left without a father figure.
God, please please please continue to encourage me and lift me up. I need you Lord. Help me have the words to say to my son when I am asked the tough questions. Help me have peace and guide me through the storms, holding my hand, and letting me stand my ground even when things go crazy.. Amen.
-c
Friday, July 8, 2011
Heart still beating....
I find it so so astounding how a man, who claimed to love a woman and his child, can walk out of their lives. Content, not only with the carefree lifestyle they were living, but to move on and take someone else's child instead of their own....
My heart cries out to the boy who asks why he can't see daddy much. Pointing at his picture saying that's my family... but one day to be told that union is now broken and not at all whole anymore.
Thanks to two amazing friends... I have hope and reading the Psalms,(as suggested to me by James) I feel the power to learn from this and move on. Jess... she's such a wonderful person, inside and out. She is dealin with her own struggles of loss. At a much deeper level than mine, but she still listens and encourages even when I know it has to be hard sometimes.
I'm grateful for these 2 individuals who continue to be my inspiration to lean moreon God in this time of unimaginable pain I never thought I'd ever have to deal with.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Feeling less than enough!
Sometimes I wonder when I will quit being pushed under the water without being able to breathe. Life just keeps throwing things at me and not letting me get just a breath of air!
All the questions leave me feeling overwhelmed empty lost.... frustrated and just downright terrible. With the newest developments in my life... which if you're reading this you know about what happened at work... I just feel like I am not meant to have 1 good day right now.
My heart longs for someone to love me and my son without giving up when the times get rough... I just want to be able to live life and be happy and have a family....
The dog woke Tyler up 2 hours before he normally gets up so we're both tired.
So I will say goodbye for now and play cars with my little man!
All the questions leave me feeling overwhelmed empty lost.... frustrated and just downright terrible. With the newest developments in my life... which if you're reading this you know about what happened at work... I just feel like I am not meant to have 1 good day right now.
My heart longs for someone to love me and my son without giving up when the times get rough... I just want to be able to live life and be happy and have a family....
The dog woke Tyler up 2 hours before he normally gets up so we're both tired.
So I will say goodbye for now and play cars with my little man!
Friday, June 3, 2011
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord......
I have alot of decisions to make in a short amount of time. Lots of them and my mind just is screaming so here I sit writing listening to some Peter, Paul, and Mary. I take that back, now it's the Sidewalk Prophets and it is exactly what is on my mind.
I need to stop letting my mind be overtaken by these overbearing thoughts. I need to remember to just let God intervene and let him take these thoughts and use them for what he needs me for. I will be okay and life will get better. Sorry it's short today, but I do have mondo homework.
I need to stop letting my mind be overtaken by these overbearing thoughts. I need to remember to just let God intervene and let him take these thoughts and use them for what he needs me for. I will be okay and life will get better. Sorry it's short today, but I do have mondo homework.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thoughts from the broken
Tonight I'm sitting down in the quiet of the house and have been left to these once happy filled thoughts running through my head. This time instead of happiness I just feel empty. I am hurt, angry, confused, curioius, but most of all I am broken-hearted. My mind is screaming at me to please make sense of all of this and to please make this hurt and dissolve it back to the happiness, hopefulness, loving, caring, wonderfulness I used to know. It is not going to happen now and that is all I can tell myself.
It is over and all I am able to do is keep going even when my heart says just quit. My heart is hurting and it has no idea how to mend yet. My heart cries out to Jesus to please heal my broken heart and to create it into beauty once again, just like the Barlow Girl song.
Jesus won't fix it the way I want him to and I know I get frustrated with him because I'm hurting so bad and I want it to be the way it used to be. He has other plans for me. He wants me to get stronger from this pain I'm in. He's not enjoying seeing me hurting, but he's helping me the way he wants me to learn from this pain. Christ suffered far worse than I so what am I doing sitting here thinking these thoughts of sorrow. I decided to count some blessings in my life and quit being sad even if only for a night.
My 2 year old pride and joy. His smile melts my bitterness away. He makes me feel amazing because his innocence shines through in such a way that all the heartbreak dissolves and he healed my heart. He's my lifelong best friend and he makes me stronger.
My family. They support me through this rough time. I can save money by living at home and I can work and go to school and have help with my son so that I may be able to work and take care of him and get my degree. I'd be nothing without my parents.
I continue working and I'm grateful for that. I get 43 hours a week every week. I have a fulltime job and some people don't get to have one. I get to provide for my son and myself and be able to save money.
My friends. If I didn't have them to talk to and lift me up, I'd be a bigger wreck than ever. I have bad days sure, but I'm so thankful for the ones who will never let me be weak enough to give up.
My biggest frustration now is all my friends are getting married this summer, and while I was supposed to be next summer, it just ain't happening and I try so hard to be happy for them, but my heart screams at them to stop talking about it for awhile so my heart can heal. My wedding dress sits in the basement, hoping to one day be worn, by a man w ho will love me and my son and not leave us during the trials and tribulatioins of this life we were given.
It is over and all I am able to do is keep going even when my heart says just quit. My heart is hurting and it has no idea how to mend yet. My heart cries out to Jesus to please heal my broken heart and to create it into beauty once again, just like the Barlow Girl song.
Jesus won't fix it the way I want him to and I know I get frustrated with him because I'm hurting so bad and I want it to be the way it used to be. He has other plans for me. He wants me to get stronger from this pain I'm in. He's not enjoying seeing me hurting, but he's helping me the way he wants me to learn from this pain. Christ suffered far worse than I so what am I doing sitting here thinking these thoughts of sorrow. I decided to count some blessings in my life and quit being sad even if only for a night.
My 2 year old pride and joy. His smile melts my bitterness away. He makes me feel amazing because his innocence shines through in such a way that all the heartbreak dissolves and he healed my heart. He's my lifelong best friend and he makes me stronger.
My family. They support me through this rough time. I can save money by living at home and I can work and go to school and have help with my son so that I may be able to work and take care of him and get my degree. I'd be nothing without my parents.
I continue working and I'm grateful for that. I get 43 hours a week every week. I have a fulltime job and some people don't get to have one. I get to provide for my son and myself and be able to save money.
My friends. If I didn't have them to talk to and lift me up, I'd be a bigger wreck than ever. I have bad days sure, but I'm so thankful for the ones who will never let me be weak enough to give up.
My biggest frustration now is all my friends are getting married this summer, and while I was supposed to be next summer, it just ain't happening and I try so hard to be happy for them, but my heart screams at them to stop talking about it for awhile so my heart can heal. My wedding dress sits in the basement, hoping to one day be worn, by a man w ho will love me and my son and not leave us during the trials and tribulatioins of this life we were given.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)